"Anonymity & Anxiety"

I heard that phrase last year in my Canadian Literature class* regarding the feeling of disconnection in large cities.

Very accurate description of my feelings for the future: to be independent, but a little afraid of it. Partly because it means I'd have to rely on myself (not entirely reassuring; I can't even get through the day with toes unstubbed), but also because it would require partially cutting my parents out of the picture.

Don't know what I'll be doing in five years; I'm afraid if I stay at home I'll stagnate in my parent's Vision of What Will Be, but if I move out/away, I'll alienate them. And not just them; there's a whole group of people (the rest of the family, the church posse, CELLTRON RAAR, etc) that goes with them.

This is mostly my own neurotic self worrying about life after graduation. I get along swimmingly with my parents, but they are controlling and sometimes over protective. And did I mention Chinese? That implies the fear-of-losing-face and also the don't-forget-you're-part-of-the-family thing.**

Bringing me to the idea of "the city". When I move out, it might as well be to somewhere completely new. And I don't mean Outside of Markham. Also I say "when" because it would be pathetic to say "if". The thought of going to a new city (Vancouver, HK, who knows) not just to visit but moving there both terrifies and excites me, not just what I'll find there, but also what I'd be leaving behind.*** It's the same feeling you get when you're taking a walk in a crowd of strangers. Doesn't happen too often in Kingston, but you know what I mean.

Blargh. I worry too much. Except that I'm not really worried, just curious as to how I would pull it off. Meh. I want Smart Food.****

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* i.e. "Skin....identity...unpack this. Now sing me some Stan Rogers."

** But it also implies the fun family dinners where it sounds like everyone is pissed at everyone else but they're actually having a good time and they only sound angry because they're all speaking in Cantonese and when you speak in Cantonese you always sound like you're tearing someone a new one. To quote Wanbro: "Cantonese. I had forgotten just how loud this language is. It’s like everyone here is having a permanent shit-fit with everyone else."

*** So sappy, like a greeting card I spout on and on. Ha ha.

**** Mmmm. Smart Food.